rozalli

It's been 2 weeks. I'm still on bed rest. My muscles are not working properly now. I can bearly walk. I can't go down to radiology for a test in a wheelchair without getting dizzy. OMG. I am going to have such a hard time getting back on my feet.

How time flies. [2] days before admission to St. Paul's Hosp. I empathize the experiences of patients. How much more endurance does one need? From treating and helping others; from ER visits to Psyc. wards to C.C.U; from cutting to lethal OD's; from short stays to daily IV infusions to longer stays to living in-patient...

Childhood PTSD >> anxiety >> depression >> borderline personality >> suspected eating disorder >> now a full blown episode of anorexia. How did all this escalate? I tried. I did. Very hard. I fell. long ways. back to square one. stood up. tried again x 10. fell down again, hard. and so the cycle goes on.

Haven't I learned? definitely not enough. maybe i learned a little, to stay out of ER's for a while, to stay out of psyc. wards, to stay away from self-mutilation. I definitely learnt difficult lessons. I can't depend on other ppls... they got scared... some left and didn't want to know.

I'm pathetic, eh? agree with me. give it up. I rather you all hate me now than watch me fight, and if life slips? i can't bear traumatizing anyone. I'm selfish. a fool. an idiot. locking myself up in my room for days, counting the days left. i'm tired. i hate myself for being so pushing everyone away in such a harsh way. but i would hate myself more if i don't. unpleasant memories. i cried. lots. drowning in my own tears. not allowed to forget. now that i hurt so many people. i'm sorri. i don't know how else to deal. i wonder how many ppl would go to my funeral just to see if i'm realli dead? at least it's because they hate me... not expecting ppls to show up. silence. i don't care. i don't dare look back at how many i've hurt. i can't. watching death is painful. especially when u can't do anything. i know the feeling. it's like someone's ripping all your insides out slowly and painfully, taking your soul away for moments. then throw the reality back at u and expect u to accept it.

Why am i so fucking dumb... what time is it now. why the hell am i even up writing this. who the fuck cares.

I pissed so many ppls off and hurt them so much... I deserve nothing all the more. denial. i'm so fucking stubborn... a cow. bitch. insensitive.

i don't have any promises for myself... let alone others. i don't know if i'll go thru. this... i'm not scared of dying. i don't know if i'll ever be well... i've done lots of damage to my body already... some irreversible. i just don't have positive feelings towards this admission at ALL. not that i'm not going to try at all... but as far as hospitalizations go.... i think i've never been nearly as hopeless. i tried to imagine getting better.... my mind is blank. i can't foresee my career or education any further. why? i don't know. it's a frightening thought. i can't think straight. i can't think. period. Lord, please guide me, take my hand, I long to follow You. Take me where You are. Amen.

I went for IV therapy 2 days ago. They kept me at St. Paul's Hospital ER for 7 hours, giving me intravenous fluids non-stop. First, it was 2L of Normal Saline for rehydration, then the bloodwork comes back with almost all values super low. Then they decided to give me some Gravol thru. my IV, as well multivitamins. After that, they decided to infuse 2mg of Magnesium, which they ran way too fast and didn't control properly... I was burning in hell, fever and my veins felt burning, then they gave me normal saline again to flush me and make me feel less nauseous and burning. Now that they've done all that... the Doc comes into my room again... "Errr... your potassium levels are low, we need to infuse that in a 2-hour-infusion. It can't be done faster." They finally decided to use an infusion pump to properly infuse me with electrolytes... Gee... why didn't they think of that earlier??

Admission to eating disorders ICU :: June 12 ... let the tube feeding and IV's begin.