Rather you hate me. (go back »)

How time flies. [2] days before admission to St. Paul's Hosp. I empathize the experiences of patients. How much more endurance does one need? From treating and helping others; from ER visits to Psyc. wards to C.C.U; from cutting to lethal OD's; from short stays to daily IV infusions to longer stays to living in-patient...

Childhood PTSD >> anxiety >> depression >> borderline personality >> suspected eating disorder >> now a full blown episode of anorexia. How did all this escalate? I tried. I did. Very hard. I fell. long ways. back to square one. stood up. tried again x 10. fell down again, hard. and so the cycle goes on.

Haven't I learned? definitely not enough. maybe i learned a little, to stay out of ER's for a while, to stay out of psyc. wards, to stay away from self-mutilation. I definitely learnt difficult lessons. I can't depend on other ppls... they got scared... some left and didn't want to know.

I'm pathetic, eh? agree with me. give it up. I rather you all hate me now than watch me fight, and if life slips? i can't bear traumatizing anyone. I'm selfish. a fool. an idiot. locking myself up in my room for days, counting the days left. i'm tired. i hate myself for being so pushing everyone away in such a harsh way. but i would hate myself more if i don't. unpleasant memories. i cried. lots. drowning in my own tears. not allowed to forget. now that i hurt so many people. i'm sorri. i don't know how else to deal. i wonder how many ppl would go to my funeral just to see if i'm realli dead? at least it's because they hate me... not expecting ppls to show up. silence. i don't care. i don't dare look back at how many i've hurt. i can't. watching death is painful. especially when u can't do anything. i know the feeling. it's like someone's ripping all your insides out slowly and painfully, taking your soul away for moments. then throw the reality back at u and expect u to accept it.

Why am i so fucking dumb... what time is it now. why the hell am i even up writing this. who the fuck cares.

I pissed so many ppls off and hurt them so much... I deserve nothing all the more. denial. i'm so fucking stubborn... a cow. bitch. insensitive.

i don't have any promises for myself... let alone others. i don't know if i'll go thru. this... i'm not scared of dying. i don't know if i'll ever be well... i've done lots of damage to my body already... some irreversible. i just don't have positive feelings towards this admission at ALL. not that i'm not going to try at all... but as far as hospitalizations go.... i think i've never been nearly as hopeless. i tried to imagine getting better.... my mind is blank. i can't foresee my career or education any further. why? i don't know. it's a frightening thought. i can't think straight. i can't think. period. Lord, please guide me, take my hand, I long to follow You. Take me where You are. Amen.